When Love is Hard

W​hat is love?

Love is a choice... It is also a feeling. Choosing to love someone is difficult when you try and try, but can't find feelings of love.

We made a commitment to these kids, to stay. To stay when it was hard and sad and frustrating. To keep going when we wanted to quit. To push through the fighting and destruction and continue to try and find the best in them and for them.

Continuing to love someone who is screaming at you that they want their real mom... the mom who cared more about drugs than them, the mom who didn't feed them, the mom who didn't protect them, is hard.

I​ had this idea that when we finally found these humans we had been searching for that the loving would be so easy because I already loved them. Before I knew them I loved them. I thought of them and prayed for them. I knew that whatever circumstances they were in must be so bad because I knew how they were going to get to me. I knew they had to lose something for me to find them.

I don't know if you have children of your own, if they are your biological children or came to you another way. I remember holding each of my new babies right after birth, and experiencing the overwhelming feeling of connection and love for them... it was instant. It wasn't divided when the next baby came, my heart just expanded, that's how the love worked.

Watching my children grow and change increased the love as new facets of their personalities emerged. The love expanded and morphed, but it was constant, this tug in my chest that was and is present whenever I think of them, that pulls even stronger when they are hurt or distressed.

T​hat love is a feeling.

I​ don't know how to describe the difference with the new kids. I think in the beginning the feelings were there. I​n the beginning it was easier. But after so long of experiencing the trauma of our relationship the loving got harder. There is a void where the feelings used to exist. This love is demanding and difficult where it used to be easy and natural.

T​his love is a choice.

Choosing to stay, choosing to show up, to keep going, to move on, to forgive... this love is hard. This love is expanding my heart in ways I still don't understand. It requires thought, attention, determination, persistence, intention... This love is building something new and big and uncomfortable and scary at times. But it is something incredible.

What is love?

It's doing the impossible thing every. single. day.