The Hard and the Good

Four years ago, we adopted two children from foster care. We did all the training, took all the classes, and thought we were prepared for this journey.

I​ want to be clear that every training we have gone through was absolutely worth the time and effort, but I don't think anything could have prepared us for the reality of our new life. We had three biological children at the time, ages 14, 12, and 8, so parenting wasn't new to us. We knew it would be hard. We knew we would struggle and make mistakes. We knew there would probably be days we would want to throw in the towel and give up. We believed with enough time, love, patience, and consistency, we would be able to overcome whatever challenges were presented.

We were optimistic...

I will share our adoption journey in another post so you can get the full story. In short, we were working with an out-of-state agency, and moving the kids to our home from their previous foster family (whom we love deeply and maintain contact with) was drawn out and emotionally draining for all of us. In the state of Utah, you have to foster children for six months before completing the adoption. Once the kids were with us, everything in the process was textbook, and it was a relatively short timeline when compared to other adoptive situations.

E​nter the hard...

I​t was obvious early on that our youngest was going to be more challenging than expected. He is a runner, and he is fast. When things weren't going his way he would take off. If we limited his escape route he would go into fits and smash or throw anything he could get his hands on. If we tried to restrain him to keep others safe he would hit, kick, bite, thrash, and head-butt whoever was holding him. I say these things like it's past tense, but it still happens. Not as often, but still. He steals every day. He lies every day. He has to be supervised almost all the time. He struggles with friendships because he frequently has outbursts when frustrated and will hurt his friends. We return a lot of stolen items. We transferred him out of public school this year because he constantly ran away from his classroom. We had phone calls from school several times a month because he had gotten mad at recess or in P.E. and punched someone.

I​ can't leave soap or shampoo in the bathroom, because he will dump it all out. If there is no toilet paper in the bathroom he will use a towel or the shower curtain, if he bothers to wipe at all. I can't leave extra toilet paper, or he will unroll it all, or put it in the toilet or the sink. We removed the toilet three times in the first year to remove toys he had flushed. We have to lock up lighters, pocket knives, scissors, glue, markers, etc. Every aspect of our lives is different. We think about every product, food, toy, tool, craft item, electronic device, literally everything that comes into our home goes through a "what will Z do with this" screening process.

W​e can't leave him home alone. We rarely leave him with his siblings because they struggle to understand his differences and they don't know how to deal with him if things go south. We have a couple of neighbors who are so kind and understanding and are a safe place if we need help, but it's hard relying on neighbors who have their own families and lives to live.

I​ tell you these things, not to complain or gain sympathy, just to help you get a picture.

T​his beautiful child has been in weekly therapy for three years. We have seen little progress in his ability to understand consequences and remember rules. We have improved as a family at understanding him and parenting differently, which has reduced behaviors at home, but we still struggle with the same things we dealt with initially.

Someone suggested the book "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control" by Heather Forbes. We read this last year and for the first time felt validated in our less than positive feelings about the experience we were having, In Chapter 5, titled "Parents Appear Hostile and Angry" it says:

"While parenting can be tough and tiring work, most parents are able to sit back, take a deep breath, and reflect on the joys of parenting. Thoughts such as, “I love watching my kids learn and grow,” “I love seeing her smile at me first thing in the morning,” “I love having someone to hug who loves all the hugs I give,” or “I love unsolicited kisses with no strings attached” easily come to mind for most parents. However, it is typical for parents with challenging children to reflect on the joys of parenting, and reflect, and reflect, and be completely void of such positive thoughts.After years of living with a child who is unable to reciprocate respect, affection, and love, parents go from being a lavish rainforest of love to an arid dry desert- hostile, angry, and depleted."

T​his felt so true for us. I finally felt like I wasn't alone and that my feelings weren't wrong or bad. I had really struggled with these feelings and had gotten consumed in the hard, unable to feel any hope or joy or peace.

(I​ didn't intend for this post to be such a downer... I promise we're getting to the good part.)

O​ne Sunday while sitting in church, our Bishop was speaking, and I don't even remember most of what he said, but he was talking about how sometimes we get stuck in the hard, because life is challenging, but that life can be hard AND good.

L​ightbulb.

WHAT?! I​t doesn't have to be one or the other? This was a turning point for me... let's call it one of life's 'attitude adjustments'. At this moment I realized I had allowed myself to forget everything I know about my attitude being MY choice.

I​ am resolved to do better. I am looking for the good. I have realigned my focus and put my faith in the promise that “the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.” -Russell M. Nelson