Be the Best Loser

In therapy yesterday, I explained how Zander gets defiant if you ask him to do something directly. For example, “Don’t stand on the table.” He would keep standing on the table, and probably start jumping or something extra. The psychologist who did his evaluation said we should try using the positive (instead of don’t, stop, etc.) “Please get off the table.” (which would still cause defiance) or other ways to tell him what we do want him to do, “Please put your feet on the floor,” or “You’re feet belong on the floor.” I explained that because of the way his brain works he doesn't hear the actual directions in an indirect command. He wouldn’t recognize that I was telling him to get off the table. 

In my frustration, I exclaimed, “There’s no winning! If there's no winning I have to figure out how to be the best loser!”

We laughed, but then I realized this could be my new motto. Be the best loser.

Zander's fetal exposure and childhood trauma make it really hard for him to function in a normal way. He doesn't always remember events correctly so he makes up stories, which seems like lying. He can’t understand abstract concepts like time and ownership, so he doesn't keep track of time and he always takes things that don’t belong to him. His processing speed is very slow, so we see a lot of defiance initially because he hasn’t actually processed verbal directions. 

Right now, there is no winning for us as parents. We have learned four different methods of parenting since he came to live with us, and after this last diagnosis, we are starting over again with number five. Part of our job is to understand and be ok with the fact that things aren’t going our way and to help him with the things that are hard. 

Being the best loser involves letting go of control. It’s hard to do. Obviously, I think my way is better, but my way won’t work for him. Being the best loser means allowing him to find a solution that works for him at the moment (even though it’s not going to be the same as yesterday) because each day he has a different level of capability. 

Being the best loser means practicing radical acceptance over the parts I can’t control. It means understanding that his behavior is not a reflection of me or my parenting. It means being the first person to ask for a break when things get escalated, instead of engaging (still working on this… a lot). Being the best loser means doing everything in my power to help him win. To set him up for success instead of failure, to help him fly.  

I think in losing… we all win. 

6.9 Student Choice- Post 5